The Head Pro’s Guide To The Best Butts In The MLB Playoffs

Ah, it’s that time of year again. The sun sets on September and rises on October, the leaves start to turn, and a crisp chill fills the air. The “boys of summer” turn into ravenous, championship-hungry wolves prowling the base paths for a chance at glor—sorry, my mistake. You’re not here for bad sports soliloquies, you’re here for THICKY-THICC MAN ASS.

Baseball can be a boring sport, way slower than, say, basketball. But it’s also the most sexual—an entire metaphor for sex acts was built on its premise, and big, strong, burly men use their hard wooden sticks to stroke massive, majestic dongs out of the park. As it turns out, the sport is also positively lousy with onion man-booties.

The playoffs have begun in earnest, so here’s a bit about the eight teams vying for a title, as well as the best kiester on each team. You’re welcome.

American League

Cleveland Indians

Cleveland, despite a slow start to the year, turned on the jets in the second half to become the hands down favorite to win it all on the AL side. They very nearly did last year, losing in extra innings in the final game to a Chicago Cubs team that was all but preordained to win the World Series. They’re a dangerous team on both sides of the ball, and they’re somehow even better this year than last. Also, their logo is extremely racist.

Who Has The Best Butt?

That would be starting pitcher Trevor Bauer, fresh off a commanding performance against the vile Yankees in game 1 of the ALDS. Pitchers use their lower bodies to get power and drive behind the ball. And with a badonk like that, Trevor could drive me anywhere, amirite? (I hate myself.)

Houston Astros

Houston is a team that has consistently defied expectations, becoming good way sooner than anyone thought. They were by far the most explosive team in the first half, all but clinching their division by the All Star break. Their offense is potent thanks to young mashers like Jose Altuve, Carlos Correa, and George Springer, and the one-two punch of former Cy Young winners Justin Verlander and Dallas Keuchel can belittle just about any lineup. Plus, Justin Verlander is married to Kate Upton, so he has that to look forward to every night, win or lose.

Who Has The Best Butt?

A controversial choice, but it’s utility outfielder/designated hitter/former superstar Carlos Beltran. Carlos is about 1,000 years old in baseball years, but an old butt can still be a good butt. More like Houston Ass-tros, ey ladies? (I’m dying a little inside.)

Boston Red Sox

The Red Sox went from being a league-wide laughing stock to one of the most consistently good teams in baseball. They showed potential in last year’s playoffs, and may have done some things, were it not for their run-in with Cleveland’s juggernaut. They’re led by an electric young outfield, some wily veterans in the infield, and an already-solid pitching staff bolstered with the addition of lefty strikeout artist Chris Sale. The Red Sox do everything well, but nothing particularly great, and aside from Sale and rookie third baseman Rafael Devers, they lack both the shutdown pitching and explosive power usually needed to go deep in the playoffs.

Who Has The Best Butt?

You know, I stared at Red Sox asses more than any other team’s for this, because they are an assless wonder of a team. No wonder they’re such weak hitters! Since I have to pick, I’ll go with platooning outfielder Rajai Davis. It’s not a remarkable butt, but a serviceable one, which actually describes Davis himself, too. When it comes to butts, serviceable is just what you need sometimes. I’ll have some slow-cooked Boston Butt with a side of mmm hmmm, if you know what I mean. (This is fine, really.)

New York Yankees

The Yankees are like your friend Maddyson. You forget about her for a while, so you’re initially happy to see her. But then you get to the playoffs (or in Maddyson’s case, the bar), and you immediately remember how fucking annoying she is and why you stopped caring about her in the first place. They have shitty starting pitching and a phenomenal bullpen, meaning they can keep leads if they get them. If not, a slugging core led by Large Baseball Son Aaron Judge, Gary Sanchez and DiDi Gregorius have the pop needed to get them back in a game. They probably won’t go far, and who gives a shit, anyway?

Who Has The Best Butt?

Aaron Judge got all the love this year for his freakish first half performance and Home Run Derby clinic, but people forget that his shorter, thiccer teammate Gary Sanchez exploded like a bat out of hell in his rookie debut last year. Since he’s a catcher, you know all that squatting is doing good things for his backside. Talk about a Yankee doodle dandy! (My mother doesn’t know what I do for a living, nor will she ever.)

National League

Los Angeles Dodgers

The Dodgers finished the season with the best record in baseball, created with breathless winning streaks and a late-season losing streak that was frankly hilarious. They’re a formidable team from foul line to foul line, with MVP candidate Justin Turner, star shortstop Corey Seager, the best closer in baseball in Kenley Jansen, and the best pitcher in the universe in Clayton Kershaw. They will be tough to beat, but they have to get past division rivals Arizona, who’ve somehow eaten their lunch all season. It should be a good series!

Who Has The Best Butt?

It’s easily right fielder Yasiel Puig, who went from being a possible trade option to the star player he was always expected to be. He’s a delight to watch, whether he’s firing in put-out throws from the next zip-code with pinpoint accuracy or admiring a long bomb in ways that annoy opposing pitchers. Plus, there’s no dodging a fine rear end like that. (Time is no longer a quantity I experience, now it’s a viscous quagmire that impedes everything I do.)

Washington Nationals

The Nats are my team, so I have already resigned myself to an embarrassing loss in the NLDS. But to less pessimistic onlookers, they were an early favorite to go all the way. Their 1-2-3 rotation of Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg, and Gio Gonzalez are arguably the best in baseball, when healthy. They had far and away the most explosive offense in the first half, but they’ve been ravaged by injuries. Key pieces like veteran Jayson Werth and superstar Bryce Harper came back from serious injuries just before the end of the season, so the Nats postseason may hinge on their ability to get back up to speed in time.

Who Has The Best Butt?

Several options here. Stephen Strasburg is packing some junk in the trunk, but he looks like an ogre. Daniel Murphy is similarly stacked, but he’s an oafish, caveman-looking motherfucker with deeply regressive views towards gays. I’ll go with utility man Wilmer Difo (pronounced DEE-fo, not like the actor), who came up big while shortstop Trea Turner was sidelined with injuries. Now THAT’s an ass the whole nation can salute, right? (Contemplating whether or not I’ll actually be able to enjoy baseball after this.)

Chicago Cubs

The Cubs finally shed the “lovable loser” moniker last season, when, after a 108-year drought, they finally eked out a World Series win a star-studded lineup. They’re not lovable anymore, but they aren’t losers, either: The team is mostly the same, with sluggers Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant slugging like sluggers do. The rotation isn’t the world-beater it was last year, but John Lester, Jake Arrieta, and Kyle Hendricks will never be easy obstacles to overcome. With sparkling play to end the season, they’re the even-odds favorites to repeat, now that they’re in the postseason.

Who Has The Best Butt

Pitchers often have good butts, but Arrieta has been caught doing lunges and farmer’s walks around the warning track at all hours of the day—this is a man who takes his ass seriously. He’s been struggling with a hamstring issue lately, limiting his effectiveness. But with ham hocks like that, who cares what his ERA is, right girls? (When friends and family look into my eyes, all they see now is a deep, black nothingness.)

Arizona Diamondbacks

Arizona suffered all season from an affliction called “Being in the same division as the Dodgers and Colorado Rockies.” The NL West was criminally stacked, and they had to win a roller coaster of a wildcard game against those same Rockies for the chance to play those same Dodgers in the NLDS. Ace pitchers, Zack Greinke and Robbie Ray, add some heat to the front of the rotation, and the acquisition of power hitter J.D. Martinez added even more pop to a lineup featuring all-purposes hitters, Jake Lamb and Paul Goldschmidt. Like I said, they’ve had some success against the Dodgers, but they just don’t seem built to go much further than that against the Nats or Cubs. Only time will tell.

Who Has The Best Butt?

First baseman Paul Goldschmidt. Jew butt alert! Poor Paul could have been league MVP several times over by now, except he’s stuck playing in a league with guys like Nolan Arenado, Bryce Harper, Kris Bryant, and so on. He’ll get there someday, but in the meantime, if he’s ever bitten in the ass by one of Arizona’s deadly rattlesnakes, I’ll be the first in line to suck out the poison. (Don’t actually do that if bitten by a venomous snake, please.)

So who has the best overall butt? That’s not for me to decide, and I don’t think I can look at them objectively anymore. Maybe, y’know, watch a little playoff baseball, and choose for yourself. 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/best-baseball-butts-mlb-playoffs-2017

Author: Billy Roland

Share This Post On