7 ‘Stranger Things’ Characters We’d Love To See Die In Season 3

season two came out five days ago, meaning there has been more than enough time for a dedicated binge-watcher with a hangover and a dream to watch the entire thing. While the season was generally lit af, I couldn’t help but notice that there were a fuckload of characters this season, and at least seven of them could get trapped in Upside Down goo forever and not be missed in the slightest. Like, excuse me, but I’m not really interested in plotlines that don’t involve Eleven fucking shit up with her mind, or the kid with no front teeth being hilarious. (I know he has front teeth now—don’t @ me.)

In preparation for season three, I’ve compiled a list of all the most annoying  characters that I would not mind seeing Barb-ed immediately. Oh, and this post contains spoilers. Duh.

1. Nancy Wheeler

Am I the only person who thinks Nancy is fucking useless? First of all, either be with Steve or leave him tf alone. He’s not a bad boyfriend just because he casually reminded you that the government will literally kidnap you if you try to tell people about the whole “secret lab that opened a portal into a dark universe and led to the death of your friend Barb” thing. In fact, that is quite literally what happened. And look, I get that having two boyfriends that follow you around on a series of high-stakes adventures is kind of like, the dream for all high school juniors, but it’s time for you to decide. Are you going to continue to date your long-term boyfriend who loves you and has single-handedly saved you, your brother, and countless others on multiple occasions, or are you going to date the weird loser who took photos of you in your bra without your consent? The fact that this decision is hard for you is like, low-key the most disturbing part of the show. Oh, and don’t think we forgot how shitty you were to Barb. RIP. #JusticeForBarb

2. Jonathan Byers

As we just discussed, Jonathan is a fucking freak. Like, not to take it there, but this dude has the exact profile of someone who will commit a mass shooting in his future. Also, I haven’t forgotten the fact that he was the town stalker just one season ago. I guess the writers decided to drop his creepy photo plotline this season to make him seem more harmless. And sure, Jonathan is “harmless,” if by “harmless” you mean “guy who hides in the bushes and takes photos of women who later turn up dead.” And of course, like every guy who displays literally insane behavior, his tactics fucking work and now Jancy is officially a thing. Ugh. This shit right here is why guys think messaging women on Instagram who ignored them on dating apps is okay.

3. Bob Newby

This character is already dead (TG), but I wouldn’t mind seeing him die again. Good Lord, this man was annoying. I swear, the only point during my entire nine episode binge where I had to pause the show and take a break from what was happening on screen was when he got that stupid smile on his face and said, “Bob Newby, superhero!” Serious question: Am I supposed to like this character? Sure, he was nice to crazy-ass Joyce, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Bob is the type of guy whose niceness to women only extends as long as he and said woman are dating. If Joyce had come to her senses and left Bob for Hopper, he probably would have used his RadioShack connections to post all her personal info on Reddit in some kind of revenge porn fantasy—or like, whatever the 80s equivalent of doing that would be. Also, good job on giving Will advice that led to him being possessed by a demon. Great potential stepfather-ing there, Bob. You can tell how desperate this fucker is by the fact that when he goes to his girlfriend’s place and she shows him a house-wide map of tunnels her traumatized son drew in a fever dream, he’s like, “Okay yeah I think we can still make this work.”

4. Joyce Byers

Speaking of Joyce, what the fuck is up with Joyce? I mean, okay the answer to that question is definitely “her son was kidnapped by a demon from another dimension,” but still…chill. Like, girl, if you acted even 1% less crazy, you could probably get a lot more people to work with you on this whole “figure out wtf is wrong with your son” thing. Joyce spends 90% of season two asking why the crazy lab doctors don’t know what’s wrong with Will and it’s like, umm because nobody has ever opened up a giant vagina portal to another dimension before? This is definitely a learning-as-we-go situation. Also, and we’ve already covered this topic extensively so I’m not going to get too much into it, fuck you for bringing Bob Newby into our lives. And double fuck you for falling for his whole “you were so cool in high school” routine. Like, idc if you were hot shit in high school, now you’re the town crazy and your boyfriend works at RadioShack. Take every seat.

5. Mad Max

Get. Off. Your. Skateboard. And. Go. To. School. You are 12. “Being from California” is not a personality. It’s just a fact about your life. Also, why don’t you throw some of your new friends a bone and be like, “Hey BTW my stepbrother is a fucking psycho and will gladly run you over with his car”? You know that Max is going to grow up to be one of those girls who only hangs out with guys, and is very performative with how much she knows about sports. And I’m sorry, but if Eleven doesn’t like you, you’re done in this town. She is the HBIC of , and if you step to her, you step to all of us.

6. Kali & Co.

Anyone who has finished season two (which presumably you did, because you’re reading this) will remember episode seven, when Eleven fucks off from Hawkins to give being a homeless person in Chicago a try. Now look, while the reveal that 008 (aka “Kali”) exists was cool, and probably a setup for finding psychic children 001-007 (and 009-010) next season, I have problems with how this crew operates. First of all, if you want to live outside the law, maybe try not looking so goddamn conspicuous? Like, I know you have a mind control person to help keep you safe, but it would be pretty easy for any eye witnesses to be like, “The suspects were wearing a giant pink mohawk, a purple-streaked punk rock mullet thing, and a crimped up-do with a giant denim bow, respectively. Also, there was a 12-year-old girl wearing questionable eyeliner.” Also, maybe asking the child you just recruited to kill someone on day one was a bit much? Like in a relationship, you should try to be a little more chill when asking people to join your vigilante misfit crew. For the first month or so you just have her tag along on a couple missions, see how you vibe, then when things feel like they’re on a solid foundation, see if she’d like to commit to killing people for you. Anything else is just like, too much.

7. Billy Hargrove

Hmmm pass. Billy is like every 80s bully combined into one Canadian tuxedo-wearing mutant psycho. Watching him drive around Hawkins was the most stressful shit I’ve ever seen in my life, after watching him aggressively lift weights to 80s music in his bedroom. And like, okay I get it. Your dad is abusive and that sucks. But I don’t really see the connection between that and thinking it’s okay to run over children with your car. Also, what kind of person goes out to look for his missing stepsister, but takes a break midway through to have a sexually charged conversation with a local parent? Double also, what’s your problem with Lucas and Max being friends? Are you racist? Is that what this is? Is Billy just 30 years and a lost coal miner job away from being a Trump supporter? I think yes. 

Read more: http://www.betches.com/stranger-things-characters-that-can-die

Author: Billy Roland

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