According to People magazines annual list, the hottest bloke alive is a denim-clad country singer with a bit of a dad bod. Its almost as though the list of eligible chaps is shorter this year
Name: Blake Shelton.
Appearance: People magazines sexiest man alive.
Is he? Why have I never heard of him? Its probably because you arent American. Blake Shelton is a coach on the US version of The Voice, as well as a singer who has sold 10m records.
Really? Why have I never heard of him? Hes a country singer.
Ohhhh. But a man like Blake Shelton cant stay hidden for long, such is the power of his almost-superhuman sexiness.
Right, yes, Ive just found a photo of him. Are you sure youve got the right chap? Wears a lot of denim? Looks a bit like Ryan Phillippe under heavy prosthetics playing the lead in a Guy Garvey biopic?
Touches the back of his neck a lot in photographs? Thats it. Thats definitely him. Sexy, huh?
I mean, not really. Sure, hes a bit normcore and dad bod, but thats part of his appeal. Shelton isnt one of these buffed, primped Hollywood nancies. Hes a real man, who smells of engine oil and wood. His songs are called things like Ol Red and Heavy Liftin and Doin What She Likes. He hates the final letters of words. You know, like real men do.
I still dont get it. Hes going out with Gwen Stefani.
Ohhhh, that explains it. Well, not completely. People magazine has an unfortunate habit of picking bad eggs for this role. Its first, for example, was Mel Gibson.
Oh God. And, in 1989, the title went to Sean Connery, who has advocated slapping women on more than one occasion.
OH GOD. Right? And in the current climate, who could blame People for playing it safe? Realistically, Blake Shelton is less the sexiest man alive and more the sexiest man alive who hasnt been accused of sexual abuse.
Thats a lot less catchy. Hey, a titles a title. And, besides, hes going out with Stefani. That has to count for something, right? Everyone likes Gwen Stefani. In fact, this probably increases Peoples chances of getting a big interview with her. Or is that too cynical?
Do say: Blake Shelton is the sexiest man alive.
Dont say: Maybe theres hope for other men who have names that sound like insurance firms.